How Do I Find Love

Warning: This is not a love story.

The clock keeps ticking. The date and year keeps changing. Uyy, baka nalilibang ka na ata, a co-lector/commentator once told me. Of course, he’s pertaining to my love life. I know in my heart that that reminder was out of good intentions, but my narrow mind spoke otherwise. Anong magagawa ko kung wala pa?

Ayy, bakit wala ka pang boyfriend?

Sa ganda mong yan, wala pa rin?

Di ako naniniwala na wala.

Baka kasi choosy ka?

Kelan ka mag-aasawa?

I endured these statements for many years. Many times, I feel hopeless. Many times, I have asked God, Lord, bakit naman po kung kelan naman nasa tamang edad na ako at nasa tamang pagkakataon na ang lahat, saka naman ako walang boyfriend? Many times, I felt bitter on seeing sweet couples on the streets and in social media. For many times, I walked alone;  going to work, going home, eating meals, doing stuff, etc,. My friends were tying knots one-by-one. I will soon earn the title Ninang ng Bayan. Many times, I celebrated and welcomed Christmas and New Year praying to God, Lord, ibigay mo na. And there was a time I felt depressed upon realizing, “uyy, ako na lang pala ang single sa barkada”.

What does it feel to be in a relationship? I am starting to forget how it feels to be in one. How nice it is to see a good morning text/chat every day, to have someone waiting for you outside your office, someone to bring you home, or maybe travel with you, and together, create memories by discovering as many places as you can around the world? How does it feel to hear I love you from someone, and to respond I love you too, or I miss you? How does it feel to be asked Kumain ka na? Or be reminded, Ingat ka.  And how about a hug? How about holding hands?

As I endure the longing and waiting, I become idealistic. Sometimes they say perfectionist. I was so obsessed with the idea of dapat ganito and dapat ganyan. I began to set my expectations high that when suitors come and do not meet standards, it’s a NO. Worst case, it came to a point when I was only focusing on the negatives, on what he was unable to give. That made me miserable, lonely, and ungrateful. Until one day, the Lord caught my attention to make me realize that love is beyond what I was thinking.

The truth is I lacked love. When I say love, it’s SELF-LOVE. The realization was, if I want to love a person, I need to love myself FIRST. The truth is hindi pa ako magaling. Sira pa ang puso ko. Hindi pa ako nakakapag-let go ng hurts. Hindi pa ako nakaka-move on. Moreover, hindi ko pa napapatawad ang sarili ko. Teachings on Bro. Bo Sanchez’ The Feast taught me that when you are broken, you also attract a broken person. Hurt people hurt people. Velden Lim in his book, Bakit Single Ka Pa Rin, said, Ang relationship dapat nakaka-bless, hindi nakaka-stress. I keep on looking for love from someone else. I keep on depending my happiness on someone else. I keep on looking for security from someone else, when I should be looking at myself…..have I loved myself enough to bring the love to someone else?

So what do I do during my season of waiting, or shall I say, healing process? I list down all the things that I want to do for myself. Magpaganda. Maging presentable all the time, because I do not know when the reserved man will arrive. I did socialize and be friends with everyone, made myself available to everyone’s invite. But the most favorite thing I did was to travel alone/solo. The experience was liberating! It enabled me to depend on no one but myself. Kaya ko palang maging masaya nang ako lang. Sanay pala akong mag-isa. Kaya ko pala ang sarili ko. And I guess, that experience somehow helped me to heal myself. I realized nothing can satisfy me except God’s love…love, happiness, and security can only be found in God. And that love, happiness, and security that God is pondering on me shall be reflected to the people around me, and yes, to that special someone reserved for me. Self-love is not about selfishness. Actually, it will lead you to selflessness. Love is not an emotion. It is a decision. Falling in love is indeed by chance, but staying in love is by CHOICE. Love is dying to oneself.

To let go, to move on, and to start again. That’s what I’ve learned. I do not know exactly how the Lord works in me, but yes, He authored my love story.

Singles, let me remind you that YOU ARE LOVED. You are God’s precious child. You are precious in the eyes of God. Know your worth. Do not be desperate because desperation will only lead you to settle for less. Why would you settle for less, when God’s plan for you and me is always the BEST? Give the Lord a chance to write and orchestrate your love story. You got to trust Him and surrender this area to Him wholeheartedly. Instead of looking for the right person, why not give yourself a chance to be the right person? Instead of being bored by waiting, why not make the time of waiting worthwhile by discovering more about yourself, by loving yourself, by preparing yourself for meeting the one. Why not do the things that will make you happy and enjoy things while you have the luxury of time? I guarantee that the path you are taking right now is one step closer to the path God has prepared for you. You are exactly where God wants you to be. Have faith. Believe. Rejoice.

Have yourself checked:

Handa na ba kong magmahal?

Kung handa na kong magmahal, handa na rin ba kong masaktan?

Kung handa na ba kong masaktan, handa na ba kong makipaglaban kahit ang panalo ay walang kasiguraduhan?

Kung handa na kong masaktan, handa na rin ba akong umiyak kahit hindi ko alam kung may patutunguhan?

Every love story is unique. There are love stories similar to fairy tales, but there are also ones that need a lot of work and patience until everything comes out naturally. But whatever love story God will give you, remember, THERE IS GRACE.

Bonus. These are the Bible Verses that you can reflect on:

• There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heavens. (Ecclesiastes 3:1)
• Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. (Matthew 7:7)
• Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. (Galatians 6:9)
• Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. (Psalm 27:14)

P.S. You’ll be surprised that when you are already in a relationship, the next question is Kelan ba kami makakahigop ng mainit na sabaw? So sinong mag-a-adjust? (Kidding aside only).